she's fucking fantastic.
that girl, i mean. fucking fantastic. everything about her--greasy hair, cloudy irises, chapped lips. doesn't matter that she ain't model material or anything. her hipbones jut out just enough to touch mine when we fuck. her lips sure know how to dance better than her feet. and she's got this idea in her head that killed her, but i can't figure out just what it was.
her cat still circled my legs like i'm half prey half predator. orange tabby cat with no tail and a stubborn mouth, but she loves that thing to death. ironic.
she came from japan, you know. her mother came over when things were getting tough because she thought in america you were invincible and when she realized she was wrong she killed herself. boom--right in the head. she found her mother dead on the floor when she wasn't even three. the neighbors found her next.
so yeah. she's pretty fucking fantastic. she runs train tracks when it's late at night and she can't sleep because there's no one around to protect her from the dark. she can't find anyone to love her because she don't love herself, y'know? they all tell her she got time, but she always says she's running out of the damn thing. she can't keep up with clocks. they run faster than her chicken legs can.
when i would find her in the bathroom covered in blood, we'd fuck. i don't know why, but we always did. she always stained whatever she would touch, me included. i'd have her blood smeared all across my neck and through my hair and goddamn did it hurt. but it hurt her more. i don't know. i don't know why she liked to fuck so much when she was having troubles. she's crazy. she was crazy.
and that damn idea--that idea of something in her head. damnit all. they said it was an aneurysm. i say she killed herself from the inside out. that's what she was always talking 'bout. killing herself. she was kind of fucking fantastic the way she'd talk about it. as if it was courageous, as if she deserved a medal. a certificate. she said death was her friend. i told her friends don't hurt friends and she laughed kind of like a dry heave and then she told me to get outta her house.
they say it was an aneurysm, but she had some idea in her head and it bubbled until it exploded. and she was nothing left but musta'been happiness, because that's all she wanted outta life. death.
she was fucking fantastic in a way that she killed herself by accident.