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Submitted on
December 11, 2013
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59 (who?)
she's fucking fantastic.

that girl, i mean.  fucking fantastic.  everything about her--greasy hair, cloudy irises, chapped lips.  doesn't matter that she ain't model material or anything.  her hipbones jut out just enough to touch mine when we fuck.  her lips sure know how to dance better than her feet.  and she's got this idea in her head that killed her, but i can't figure out just what it was.

her cat still circled my legs like i'm half prey half predator.  orange tabby cat with no tail and a stubborn mouth, but she loves that thing to death.  ironic.

she came from japan, you know.  her mother came over when things were getting tough because she thought in america you were invincible and when she realized she was wrong she killed herself.  boom--right in the head.  she found her mother dead on the floor when she wasn't even three.  the neighbors found her next.

so yeah.  she's pretty fucking fantastic.  she runs train tracks when it's late at night and she can't sleep because there's no one around to protect her from the dark.  she can't find anyone to love her because she don't love herself, y'know?  they all tell her she got time, but she always says she's running out of the damn thing.  she can't keep up with clocks.  they run faster than her chicken legs can.

when i would find her in the bathroom covered in blood, we'd fuck.  i don't know why, but we always did.  she always stained whatever she would touch, me included.  i'd have her blood smeared all across my neck and through my hair and goddamn did it hurt.  but it hurt her more.  i don't know.  i don't know why she liked to fuck so much when she was having troubles.  she's crazy.  she was crazy.

and that damn idea--that idea of something in her head.  damnit all.  they said it was an aneurysm.  i say she killed herself from the inside out.  that's what she was always talking 'bout.  killing herself.  she was kind of fucking fantastic the way she'd talk about it.  as if it was courageous, as if she deserved a medal.  a certificate.  she said death was her friend.  i told her friends don't hurt friends and she laughed kind of like a dry heave and then she told me to get outta her house.

they say it was an aneurysm, but she had some idea in her head and it bubbled until it exploded.  and she was nothing left but musta'been happiness, because that's all she wanted outta life.  death.

she was fucking fantastic in a way that she killed herself by accident.
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First of all, this is a really lovely piece. I find myself coming back to it from time to time, reading it because it gives me chills. I adore the non-nonsense voice of the narrator--it's new and refreshing to read from his (her?) point of view.

However, there's I think you could really benefit from adding more detail in general. In particular, I thought her death was pretty unclear. Did she die from an aneurysm, did she kill herself? I was confused. The narrator could do with some backstory, too. (Not too much, but you could kind of sprinkle it in there.) I definitely get the voice and mood you're going for, and I understand why you didn't explain as much. But I think her death especially needs more detail for it to be as impactful. That being said, this is a beautiful poem, and I really look forward to reading more of your work.
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barbzzp Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013  Student Writer
this poem is fucking fantastic; i like the way it is being narrated: so refreshing, blunt, and little spits of sarcastic fire i like them the fucks and damns and everything else. It made you un-fake as a writer and we don't get too many of those "honest"  writers these days. love your work !
A-Lovely-Anxiety Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so very much :heart:
barbzzp Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Student Writer
you're welcome :) (Smile) 
AmavelRedentor Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
its, very good, dark but also original. Not that you would believe me but it is :nod:
A-Lovely-Anxiety Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
well, thank you anyways c:
AmavelRedentor Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Your very much so very welcome :)
kmills95 Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This could be the intro to a novel o.o 

Like it... cryptic, abrupt, sarcastic.

Leaves me wanting more.

That sounds screwed up doesn't it? :P 

But seriously.
A-Lovely-Anxiety Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you very much.
kmills95 Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
AquaRock Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Holy crap, this writing is pretty freaking fantastic! Astounding!
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